As time marches on, we are at another marker. March 25 was Kavannah's due date (40 weeks).
Jim reminds me that there never was a time when we really thought we would reach due date. He sort of does this 'Joey Tribiano' , "just forget 'bout it!"
But, it is the last date that we have on any of her ultra sound pictures. It was official to someone.
Kavannah, we miss you.
Mara had to do a project for fourth grade. The assignment was to come up with something that you could demonstrate or teach to your class (and food and paint were not allowed). Mara decided to make tie fleece baby blankets with her classmates. She decided that she wanted to do this and donate them to some place that would have babies that would need them. Her heart is so tender. She asked if she could take them back to St. Joe's (where we had Kav). Her thought was that there might be a baby born that did not have any blankets. Or maybe a baby that did not have anyone. Whew. I told her that I would consider it but might not be able to do it quite yet. We are also considering a Crisis Pregnancy center here in Kenosha. I wrestle through whether this is a faith step that I need to follow my lovely daughter back to Labor and Delivery so she can deliver her six blankets. Her middle name is Mercy...and I am abundantly proud of her.
Pray that I would be sensitive to what the Lord desires Mara to do...and me to do with this project.
This is the day that the Lord has made.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
I just was thinking through something that I felt I should update because it is important...to me.
In Kavannah's last days with us there were several things that happened that were either perplexing or comforting...or both.
(Jan 29) A week before we found out Kavy was gone, we were in to see her with Dr. c J. We saw her breathing and everything else looked like her 'normal'. The breathing was very reassuring to me. After all my non stress tests with Asher, Jim teases me that I am sometimes better at catching things than the pros (not really..but pretty good for a lay person). (2/2)Then on Tues. we had a fetal ECHO at Childrens, with dr. Fromelt. We were able to meet on an impromptu meeting with Fetal Concerns and Dr. Leutner, a neonatologist. We had some hard but very compassionate conversations on that day.
Wednesday (2/3) we were recovering together from all our previous day's activity. Kavannah was quiet but in the past it usually took the better part of a day for her to bounce back after an active previous day. Thursday (2/4) Kav's quietness is now concerning me. I talk with dr. c J and she recommends that we go in immediately. Dr. C takes a peek by ultra sound and we all know immediately that she is gone. Dr. C says that she thinks her passing could have been Tuesday night.
In my mind, the why's and the processing starts. How could I not have known when she left me?
The entire point of this post is that upon review of photos by two of the perinatologists, they both (independent of one another) agree that she did indeed pass on Thursday morning. I feel the goodness of God in allowing me into that detail.
We can trust the Lord in our details. Profound reminder for me today.
In Kavannah's last days with us there were several things that happened that were either perplexing or comforting...or both.
(Jan 29) A week before we found out Kavy was gone, we were in to see her with Dr. c J. We saw her breathing and everything else looked like her 'normal'. The breathing was very reassuring to me. After all my non stress tests with Asher, Jim teases me that I am sometimes better at catching things than the pros (not really..but pretty good for a lay person). (2/2)Then on Tues. we had a fetal ECHO at Childrens, with dr. Fromelt. We were able to meet on an impromptu meeting with Fetal Concerns and Dr. Leutner, a neonatologist. We had some hard but very compassionate conversations on that day.
Wednesday (2/3) we were recovering together from all our previous day's activity. Kavannah was quiet but in the past it usually took the better part of a day for her to bounce back after an active previous day. Thursday (2/4) Kav's quietness is now concerning me. I talk with dr. c J and she recommends that we go in immediately. Dr. C takes a peek by ultra sound and we all know immediately that she is gone. Dr. C says that she thinks her passing could have been Tuesday night.
In my mind, the why's and the processing starts. How could I not have known when she left me?
The entire point of this post is that upon review of photos by two of the perinatologists, they both (independent of one another) agree that she did indeed pass on Thursday morning. I feel the goodness of God in allowing me into that detail.
We can trust the Lord in our details. Profound reminder for me today.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
One month, 4 peeps...
Jim came home tonight and let me know that he knows of at least four people that have come into a relationship with our Father through Jesus through hearing of Kavannah's life and journey. I have had a couple of conversations that affirmed that people "felt closer to God" through our experience. What a great reminder of the larger picture on such an eve....
bring it...Kavannah, the bringer of good news, the evangelist.
bring it...Kavannah, the bringer of good news, the evangelist.
One month
Today is one month...both in number and in day (Thursday, Feb. 4 to Thursday, March 4) since Kavannah passed on to be with the Lord.
In many ways it still takes my breath away. I spent the day at home doing laundry and pondering. I pondered what Kavannah's life is like today. What would it be like to not have to struggle with pride (because all I can think about is that this in not how "I" would have chosen to do it)? Or trying to 'formulate' God into an equation? Or have ANY of the effects of our separation from God (sin in any form)? And to have no tears or sorrow but only to understand our purpose and completion in giving glory to the Lord. It reminds me of the hymn "Oh, what fellowship!!" Indeed, what a day that will be!
I have been convicted that I do not like the words "chastening", "endurance", "suffering", or "sorrow". How much of my prayer life is spent trying to avoid these tools that the Lord uses for our refinement to bring us into healthy & holy individuals? So, today I give up. I pray that I would stop being the older brother in the 'prodigal son' story. How many times has that deterred me from seeing the Father for who He is: loving, kind, desiring all good gifts for his children who he not only loves & cherishes but is willing to lay down all of his reputation for...
Our daughter's message of Kavannah is still ringing in my ears and in my heart today. We have been blessed as a family to have had so many people acknowledge our daughter's life and our sorrow as we grieve our loss...and her eternal gain. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.
In many ways it still takes my breath away. I spent the day at home doing laundry and pondering. I pondered what Kavannah's life is like today. What would it be like to not have to struggle with pride (because all I can think about is that this in not how "I" would have chosen to do it)? Or trying to 'formulate' God into an equation? Or have ANY of the effects of our separation from God (sin in any form)? And to have no tears or sorrow but only to understand our purpose and completion in giving glory to the Lord. It reminds me of the hymn "Oh, what fellowship!!" Indeed, what a day that will be!
I have been convicted that I do not like the words "chastening", "endurance", "suffering", or "sorrow". How much of my prayer life is spent trying to avoid these tools that the Lord uses for our refinement to bring us into healthy & holy individuals? So, today I give up. I pray that I would stop being the older brother in the 'prodigal son' story. How many times has that deterred me from seeing the Father for who He is: loving, kind, desiring all good gifts for his children who he not only loves & cherishes but is willing to lay down all of his reputation for...
Our daughter's message of Kavannah is still ringing in my ears and in my heart today. We have been blessed as a family to have had so many people acknowledge our daughter's life and our sorrow as we grieve our loss...and her eternal gain. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.
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